Let Me Have My Grief
By Mona Cavaller

I was in the bookstore, frantically searching for the right book, the one that could comfort a good friend of mine, that could take her sorrow away. She had just lost her mother to a sudden heart attack. She had never been given the chance to say goodbye. And she, like so many of us, had experienced some emotional childhood scars growing up and had shared with me, some of the difficulties they had caused her in her early adult life. Up and down the aisles, I walked, browsing the self-help section, the spirituality section, even the humor section, searching for the right words. I looked at several possibilities and put them back, thinking to myself too sad, too shallow, too heavy, too clinical. I couldn't find what I was looking for. I then spied another book named "I wasn't ready to say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the sudden death of a Loved One". The title caught my interest so I picked it up and started to browse through it. I then read the back and front sleeves, where often the author's bio is depicted and several reviews of the book are included. As I read through the various commentaries, one really stood out and made an impression on me. It was written by the friend of a young woman who had just lost her husband. The friend had given her the book, in sincere hopes of helping the woman overcome her sadness and pain. When presented with the gift, the woman thanked her friend, but replied, "Let me have my grief; I own it and I deserve it".

I kept staring at that sentence. It was one of those defining moments; you know, the type that hit you between the eye and straight in the gut. The statement was simple and yet so powerful. She was absolutely right. We all too often are taught in this society to bury our feelings, or overcome them. We are told to "keep our chin up" or "to keep a stiff upper lip" or "If you keep crying, I will give you something to cry about". Feelings are things to be avoided, forgotten, controlled, swept under a rug, but not felt and not expressed, especially those feelings that are considered negative such as grief, anger, rage, sadness. Many of us spend our lives denying our feelings and wondering why we don't feel happy or satisfied or why we feel angry or restless. Many of us act out our feelings in inappropriate ways because we weren't allowed the first expression of that emotion when it occurred. That statement kept echoing in my head. I thought to myself, that is the answer to coping with grief. That is the answer to coping with anything. Let me have my feelings. Let me have my joy and my sadness, my rage and my violence, my pain and my pleasure , my hope and my despair, my light and my darkness, my fear and my hope. Let me express these emotions as much as I can and as safely as I can. Let me have my needs so I can live life more fully and openly. I could not believe that such a simple sentence had made such a profound impact. It was getting late, and I needed to go, so I put the book back and left the store. I walked out, with a new perspective.

I may still go back and buy that book for my friend. But more importantly, I will call her and ask how she is feeling. And I will listen and give her a safe connection for the grief she owns.... and...... she deserves.

MC
January 2003

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Mona Cavallero is a HFI client and first-year graduate of the HRP program. She has been working on her process for the last 3 years. She is an avid birder, gardener and photographer. She finds her spirituality most easily through her encounters with nature. She is grateful for all the "connections" she has made in the world to date, human or otherwise.