Being Perfect
by Scott Sweeney

During a recent school vacation, my 5-year-old son, Michael, asked if he could invite his friend Richard over to play. Since there are no little boys living in our neighborhood for my son to play with, I thought it was a good idea. I called his friendâs mother and arranged to pick up Richard at 11:30 the next morning.

The following day we went to pick up Richard. His house was modest, but immaculate. His mom told him on the way out the door to "be good." I brought the boys to McDonaldâs to get a Happy Meal and to play. During lunch my son let out a huge belch, which heâs been known to do. Richard immediately replied "you donât have any manners, youâre supposed to say excuse me." I simply looked at the 2 boys and said, "sometimes we donât use our manners, and thatâs alright." They finished their lunch and fooled around, later we went to our house to play.

Upon entering the front door of our house, Richard encountered a huge minefield of toys, Legos, monster trucks, etc., scattered throughout our living room. He reaction spoke volumes about his home. He said, "What a mess, donât you guys ever clean?" I gently explained to Richard that with little kids in the house toys get played with and tend to get scattered about. I asked him a simple question, "When you play with your toys donât you make a mess?" His response saddened me and angered me; he said, "I donât play with my toys." I asked, "What do you do for fun?" His response was, "I watch TV." I could feel the pressure put on this 5-year-old little boy to be "perfect," and felt empathy for him. If Richard thought our living room was messy, he was not prepared for what he encountered when he walked into my sonâs room. He said "Oh my God Michael, what a mess!" I quickly reassured Richard and Michael that they didnât need to be neat and clean, and for the remainder of their time together they had to make a mess and have fun. These instructions seemed perfectly fine with my son but quite confusing to Richard. However, he quickly followed my sonâs lead and the two of them had a fun afternoon and they did follow my instructions, what a mess! When it was time to go home, my son and I walked Richard to his door, his mother greeted us and asked "Was Richard good?" I replied, "He was perfect!"

I could feel the way Richard had been taught to "look good" and felt the pressure that this little kid lived under. How can a 5-year old boy be neat and clean and be a little boy? I donât think itâs possible! I know a little about the pressure of being a "perfect little boy". It can crush a boyâs spirit. My son loves to play in the mud, burp and fart, build forts with our couch cushions, play monster trucks and crush smaller cars, in general he loves to make a mess. Anytime I see a child wanting to be that "good," I understand what he must be going through. The shame and humiliation that must be aimed at him for being a messy little boy, breaks my heart. A parentâs need to be viewed by others as the parent of such a "good" little boy saddens me, because I know what it does to a little boyâs heart. Additionally, itâs a set up. Perfect little boys grow up to be perfect little men and, as we all know there is no such thing as perfect. The man goes through life never being able to measure up, never being able to be perfect, in essence never feeling like he is "good enough". Little boys, who are loved for simply being who they are, grow up to be men who feel that they deserve to be loved for simply being.

Scott Sweeney is a graduate of HFI's Professional Training Program and is a full-time therapist in West Hartford. To contact Scott, please call 860-212-1733.