Supporting Kimberly
by Scott Sweeney

A short time ago, my daughter's 1st grade teacher called me to discuss an incident that had occurred at school that day. It seems that the class was taking turns reading and when it came to my daughter Kimberly's turn she shook her head and refused to read, the teacher "encouraged" her to read, but Kimberly remained headstrong. At this point, the teacher told me that she asked the entire class to "encourage" her to read. I pictured 25 kids yelling at my daughter, understandably my daughter became quite upset and went to the carpet near her desk and started crying and continued crying for over an hour. When the teacher told me how Kimberly had reacted, I responded by saying "good for her".

The teacher was caught off guard by this response and hurried to make sure I understood how disruptive Kimberly's behavior was to the class. I simply told the teacher that the next time my daughter says no, that she might do better by respecting her boundary. I added that I would appreciate it if she did not attempt to pressure her out of her "no". I also requested she call me at work if something like this happened again and I would come get her. I ended the conversation by informing the teacher that I did not think having the whole class "encourage" my daughter to read was a helpful intervention, the teacher did acknowledge this point. I thank ed the teacher for calling and hung up.

I walked into the living room where Kimberly and Michael, my 4-year-old son, were playing. I told Kimberly that I had just spoken to her teacher, she immediately hung her head, as if she were bad. I quickly assured her that she hadn't done anything wrong and that what happened to her must have been very scary. I assured her that I understood that she did what she did because she wasn't feeling safe and that her saying no should have been honored. I asked her if she wanted to talk about what had happened at school, she shook her head no. I told her "that I would be cooking dinner and if she did want to talk to me about it, she could come to the kitchen". I started cooking dinner and within a few minutes my son started to cry, when I went to the living room to tend to my son he was screaming "Kimmie pushed me!" I picked up my son and comforted him, he quickly calmed down and went off to play. I knelt down in front of my daughter and made eye contact with her and simply stated "I know you had a really hard day at school, but it's not alright to hurt Mikey because you're upset". My daughter immediately started crying, I hugged her. She began thrashing with anger. I held her tight and continually reassured her that I knew she was angry and sad about the way she was treated at school. The next part must have been God working in my life because I'm not sure where these words came from, I said through my tears "I really wish that daddy would have been at school today to make sure nobody hurt you". With these words she cried even louder, as did I. She cried for quite awhile, and when she stopped, she got off of my lap and went to play with her brother.

The next day, I received a note from the teacher reading "Kimberly did much better today, she volunteered to read". My daughter went from refusing to read, to volunteering to read in one day, simply by having her boundary supported by her dad. Children feel much safer when they have a choice, as opposed to being forced to face something they're not ready to face. A few weeks after that my wife and I attended a Parent-Teacher conference and the teacher told us how well Kimberly is doing since that incident. She remarked "I'm not sure what you did, but whatever you did, it worked". I never told the teacher what I had done, but my daughter and I both know that all I did was love her and support her "no". This allowed her to feel safe, when kids feel safe they'll try new things. My daughter has consistently faced things in her life she was initially afraid of, simply by her mother and I supporting her "no" and presenting her with choices.

It's apparent to me that without the training and therapy I've received through HFI, I would have responded completely differently. I might have been angry with her or I might have told her how disrespectful she was to the teacher, in short I would have made her wrong for setting a simple boundary. I recognize that as a child, I could never say "no" to an authority figure, no matter how uncomfortable or scared I was. My mother considered that disrespectful behavior. The outcome of this process was that I felt afraid most of the time and I became very angry at being forced to do things I did not want to do. Boundaries are imperative to feeling safe, and if I feel wrong for saying "no", I don't know how to create safety in my life.

Scott Sweeney is a graduate of HFI's Professional Training Program and is a full-time therapist in West Hartford. To contact Scott, please call 860-212-1733.